I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
