True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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