I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I need a beard to bite.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
