i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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