Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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