I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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