Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
