if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
