cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
