1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
