Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
