Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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