I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
