someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
