My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
