He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
