so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
