I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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