my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize