you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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