from now on my penis is your penis
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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