found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize