Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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