I think I won the penis lottery.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
