i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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