In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize