How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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