I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
