im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
