if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize