I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
