At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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