Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
