There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
sarcasm needs its own font
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
