Soap is not a condiment
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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