I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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