walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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