I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
