two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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