What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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