Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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