I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's always time for handjobs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
