I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
