3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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