I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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