I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
