Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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