i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
