Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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