Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
