a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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