God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
