Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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