mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
