Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
